preventing war is imperative

i cried for a man who had life, guiltless and full of zeal. he spoke of human most importantly, that we hold responsible to care for the world. i'll miss him.

but what's more dear to me that i've been missing myself out with, is the time i spend with the King. i love Him very much, but i guess it's still not enough. i'm finding back the reason why i started it in the first place. because i just feel like i'm missing out on a lot of other things, that i'm stuck, then i don't know what to do and i don't know if whatever i'm doing is right.

...just know that my heart is there, but i can't afford the means to get there. i'm just sad. that void of time has been wasted, filled with temporary high. i'm just sad.

we meet again

i shouldn't have stopped. i recall someone requested for a tagboard so it's easier to comment. my entry at that time wasn't about me being in my best, and that made me realise it's embarrassing. and so that was it, i moved to multiply where i can control the privacy. but after awhile i find it such a bore, my posts too were affected and became a bunch of sample grocery coupons. i guess i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, and that literally pushed my arse back here again.

this blog, for sure had gone through a lot of editing, so it only shows the rainbow and not the clouds. hopefully it stays that way. 

so what really happened today? nothing. that's the point. actually it has been empty since i don't know when. and i could have stayed there if i had wanted to. but, we all know, it's never a wise choice, ever! work's the cause, it's the toll. though there're bits of fityan in it, it just doesn't feel the same as when i started off. you see, i'm an adult now. i have more responsible than before. i have to already plan the future. 

man... do you realise? there's no 'haha' thus far.

i'm lacking, of being truly appeased. except for that one moment when i had chanted (with a horrible tone that is) "lets laugh, and dance, and siiiiiinnnnggg!!!.." and the next thing that came were two aunties frm GRC knocking on my door to give me money. GST money. haha! woot! ok mepekzz. of course Allah has been so good to me all the while, i cannot forget all that. like the many times the bus stopped right in front of me for me to board. yeah, it always makes me feel like a VIP. ehh, who wouldn't appreciate that when most of the times you'll be competing with other kiasu ah sohs especially when the bus is full you could almost kiss the door?

it's just work. that pompuan has that stress effect on everybody. i hate it everytime she comes into office, the black head would bob up and down it seems, behind the wall divider from where i sit. i will quickly click on the x button on the google window and stare into the screen, acting as if there's something i'm doing. to top it off, she's black, and coming in bringing that black face won't help the mood up. 

it's already july. it'll be my 1st anniversary with her this coming oct. one thing that makes me stay is the money. that's it. other girls couldn't stand her and left. i guess, they've been living too rich of a life. people have been telling me, "if you get through this, you'll get through anything". but that has been the case since secondary school. so if you tell me 'this' as if it's the darnest thing on earth, it's actually nothing for me. really.

so what's the darnest thing on earth that i ever came across with? adalaahhhhh.. tak yah kaypoh....

i'm down with flu now. i won't make myself to the doc. either i'd walk around with a paperbag on or be at the old folks home. at least it's better than the mask or the quarantine :X

i got this from e-mail:

Wake up 4 Fajar (Subuh) Prayers

A man woke up early in order to pray the
Fajr Prayer at the masjid. He got dressed, made his
ablution and was on is way to the masjid.
On his way to the masjid, the man
fell and his clothes got dirty.

He got up, brushed himself off, and
headed home. At home, he changed his clothes, made his
ablution, and was, again, on his way to the masjid.

On his way to the masjid, he fell again
and at the same spot! He, again, got up, brushed himself
off and headed home. At home he, once again, changed his clothes, made his
ablution and was on his way to the masjid.

On his way to the masjid, he met a man
holding a lamp. He asked the man of his identity and the
man replied I saw you fall twice on your way to the masjid, so I brought
a lamp so I can light your way.' The first man thanked him
profusively and the two where on their way to the masjid.

Once at the masjid, the first man asked
the man with the lamp to come in and pray Fajr with him.
The second man
refused. The first man asked him a couple more times and,
again, the answer was the same. The first man asked him why he did not
wish to come in and pray. The man replied,'I am Satan (devil/evil)' The man was shocked at this reply. Satan
went on to explain, 'I saw you on your way to the
masjid and it was I who made you fall. When you went home, cleaned yourself and
went back on your way to the masjid, Allah forgave all of your sins.

I made you fall a second time, and even
that did not encourage you to stay home, but rather, you
went back on your way to the masjid.
Because of that, Allah forgave all the sins of the people of your household

I was AFRAID if i made you fall one more time,
then Allah will forgive the sins of the people of your village,
so i made sure that you reached the masjid safely!'

So do not let Satan benefit from his actions.
Do not put off a good that you intended to do as you never know
how much reward you might receive from the hardships you
encounter while trying to achieve that good.May Allah Subhanahu Wata'ala grant us to be perfect Muslim heart n we all do our prayers with our Heart and Soul....Ameen.

reminds me of ayatul kursi. anyone knows of the story??

It is reported by way of Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) that someone used to come upon him and take from the charity – which the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) had made him guardian over – night after night, so on the third night, he said: "I will report you to the Messenger of Allah (salAllahu alayhi wasalam), the man said: 'Let me teach you some phrases with which Allah will cause you benefit’ – they were very eager for good – so he said: 'When you go to, read ayat al-kursi (Verse 255 of Surah Al-Baqarah) completely, for there is still upon you from Allah a guardian, and no shaitan can get close to you until you enter upon morning.' Then he (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) said: "He told you the truth and he is a liar, (that was a shaitan).
[Sahih Al-Bukhari]

burn

my two favourites for the moment...


another version of this ^^ video is a heartbreaking one about ikhwanul muslimin




***
i duno how.. i duno how!! how to stop this?? been smiling all the way home. and til now.


cheeky, cheeky students. sheesh!

Be or still be....

sometimes the kids can suck the blood out of you and the next moment, when you see a different group of them it makes you feel all warm inside and smile from ear to ear. then some else would wonder why you smile, thinking you should belong to IMH.

tragically, i suffered a minor trauma after what happened during the week we had mask-making. the classroom was a horrible mess, the lessons were a riot and most were irresponsible for their work. teachers again, had to come in, checking out if everything's fine. i wished i'd had the power like they do- just by a whistle blow, the screamings and awful laughters would literally drop dead.

the last class i had the lesson with was awfully hilariously sweet (the one with the video). they stayed back after school to help me clean up. but of course, i should have expected they wanted something out from it, which was the plaster cast :8/

same thing happened again today. but this time, they're sincere. sec-one-TECHNICAL-one.

i LOVE the kids. really, i do. i eat and sleep thinking of them. i pray for them night and day. i wouldn't mind all that plays but i wish, i really wish, that they try their best in doing their works. i'm giving my best, staying back for hours for the sake of them, trying to do more than what i should. but sadly, it seems like my effort were not reciprocated.

still, i'm grateful. the praises and serenades i get from them... the fun we're having.

ever since i get myself out from the sorrows i had with FYP and ahem, and then get involved with fityan-ghufran, it changed my whole perspective of serving. and with what's going on now, the 2 jobs in my hand and school, i push myself to the greatest extent and still keep pushing. made me realise and understand the meaning of the words of ustazah badriyah to her daughter:

Be strong! Be fast! Be steadfast! Be patient! Don't despair for Allah is there! Don't be lazy! Don't care about wealth! Don't be weak! Aid the poor! Compete for Allah! Anywhere also can sleep! (but not anyhow sleep one!) Pray when everyone else is asleep! Learn! Teach! Share! Read! Sprint Muna, sprint!

redha, ikhlas. all for the sake of Allah.
yakin, taqwa. Allah is in the east and the west, and wherever we turn to.

rahmat, nikmat. victory for those who stand by Him.

last but not least, sesuaikan diri kita dengan hukum peraturan bukan sebaliknya.

wassalam.

haizzzzz

it's been long since i updated here. things have been hectic, exhausting. life currently revolves around teaching. and so i shall only afford to talk about that. -.-

5 weeks to go (and so is ramadhan). seriously saying, i feel like quitting! actually, to think about it, every job lets me to think that way too. heh. reason is because the students are just inconsiderate. hur hur. in other words, i get bullied. cis la!

it's my fault too, that i started out giving them face. i don't have any rules for them, i dint show myself as the boss. i let them say and do whatever they feel like, just as long as they don't go over the boundaries. i guess this is where i'm naive at. i mean, they're just sec 1s, they should need to be taught right at the beginning. it's as bad as in other teachers had to come into the class to control the students. and when they do that, it's kinda like taking the power away from me. so it'll be like the students will only be scared of so and so but not me. you know what i'm saying?

and some of the students, oh some of them! ...where should i start? not a day goes by without me sleeping not thinking about them. i pray and pray for them. they're always on my mind. i just don't want them to grow up astray. how can i help? how can i help? how?? i'm trying to get close to them, but then i just realised, the way the perceive me and the way i perceive them is just different.

i don't know what kind of mother will i become if i ever get to be one. it seems like words of wisdom just can't find it's way out to tell....

ok, let's try again.

to see a dear friend moving on to another chapter leaves me stunned while trying to shake off the thoughts of future prospect for me. i'm still very bothered of where i'd end myself with... how and what will it be like? i'm really afraid, in every sense of the word.

i had dreams and goals, but they never come to reality. i have expectations but they bring me further to unexpected. i had plans, but i only got to play a part of it.

and now, i just don't know...