haizzzzz

it's been long since i updated here. things have been hectic, exhausting. life currently revolves around teaching. and so i shall only afford to talk about that. -.-

5 weeks to go (and so is ramadhan). seriously saying, i feel like quitting! actually, to think about it, every job lets me to think that way too. heh. reason is because the students are just inconsiderate. hur hur. in other words, i get bullied. cis la!

it's my fault too, that i started out giving them face. i don't have any rules for them, i dint show myself as the boss. i let them say and do whatever they feel like, just as long as they don't go over the boundaries. i guess this is where i'm naive at. i mean, they're just sec 1s, they should need to be taught right at the beginning. it's as bad as in other teachers had to come into the class to control the students. and when they do that, it's kinda like taking the power away from me. so it'll be like the students will only be scared of so and so but not me. you know what i'm saying?

and some of the students, oh some of them! ...where should i start? not a day goes by without me sleeping not thinking about them. i pray and pray for them. they're always on my mind. i just don't want them to grow up astray. how can i help? how can i help? how?? i'm trying to get close to them, but then i just realised, the way the perceive me and the way i perceive them is just different.

i don't know what kind of mother will i become if i ever get to be one. it seems like words of wisdom just can't find it's way out to tell....

ok, let's try again.

to see a dear friend moving on to another chapter leaves me stunned while trying to shake off the thoughts of future prospect for me. i'm still very bothered of where i'd end myself with... how and what will it be like? i'm really afraid, in every sense of the word.

i had dreams and goals, but they never come to reality. i have expectations but they bring me further to unexpected. i had plans, but i only got to play a part of it.

and now, i just don't know...

kids

oh my god! though it's only just about 6 hrs a day but it really is draining! i still sleep in the bus every time on the way home. was in a weird position today... was leaning to the side against the air. yup. the air!

2nd week in school. i think the kids are great. kinda feels like i'm one of them when being around them... only that i know more of stuffs. i enjoy working this way. i mean, the lessons are all planned out, and repetitive for every other class. so it's easy. the headache part comes when thinking for the sec 3s. they get restless after having the same thing over and over again. i have a plan up my sleeves. will try it next week.

i guess it's kinda a relieve for the kids knowing that their teacher's away for quite awhile. coz from what i found out, the form teacher is very strict. even the tables wouldn't be as dirty as it is now. ok, for that part, i forgot... always think it's just a minor issue. heh. of course with a teacher like that, works always get done. unlike mine, i try to minimal the load so they can finish by the end of the lesson. still, their done pieces aren't really up to standard. i wonder if it's because of my way of teaching. but they're adorable still, and sometimes funny. can see that the students enjoy the work, but only when we let their imaginations run free. as in, i do encourage them to be creative in their own sense of the word. but i'm afraid when the teacher comes back, she wouldn't be pleased. but she's being warned, not to expect so much out of me. i mean, i don't have any experience in this field so...

one thing they never fail to ask is my age. realli, there's not much age gap here. but it's kinda scary knowing that the kids are smart, maybe even smarter than me. we can't underestimate the kids these days right? took the train this morning, just like any other days, i would sit and just shut my eyes (seriously speaking, never have i ever wake up early at 5 just for school). suddenly realised someone was sitting beside me... and this person kept staring at me! so when i looked over, found out she's one of my student. greeted me by saying 'penat tcher?'

it's kinda sweet you know, knowing that the students aren't afraid to approach you. and we just talked all the way to school....