me and them

it's scary to think what's coming for me. now that june's ending, to supposedly follow the plan, i should get a permanent job by now. but the call for relief teaching came first and so without wasting any time, i just grabbed it. NIE's not responding. i'm aware that part of it, if not all, is my fault. yea.. no 'conscious effort'.

it's on purpose, you see. i don't really see myself teach though i yearn for it. it's difficult for me in a sense to explain things out in verbal literally. i don't know what's the cause but i've been searching. more or less, i suspect that the reason for my little socialisation skill affects the way i bring myself out. i am trying though, to get used to open up and gain others' adoration, understand them, etc. but i'm afraid it'll be too late when i get to do that.

the past still haunts i guess. i'm trying, really, to get over it. but of course, sometimes things appear the other way round when we try to overcome it. then at that time, you're back to square one. this is where i always say, i'm learning.

so yea, this part of me, i have to really mend it before i can go into that next stage. relief teaching should be easy. if not, i just take it as a trial. no harm there. but why NIE in the first place right? honestly, i think it's an easy way out. but to be honest with myself, i don't think i can do a good job to it, it'll be unfair to the students. i'm not ready to take it in full, at least not for now.